daily prayer online

You asked me what i want.
between the trees and cicadas singing apos;round the pond
i spent an hour with you, could i want anything else?

i had a dream last night.
and it was of you, though you never read these pages.

i found a book in a library, some large old thing looking like it was bound some time far away,
but how long could it be when it seemed like only yesterday
i had a love for you that i didnt realize.
perhaps you were mine from the start.
when i was the mother goddess, you must have been inside my womb
before either of us were cast into the flesh and pain that is the waking world.

this book; i opened it, with this strange feeling of recognition. It was a group of authors, all telling stories of their lives. I flipped the pages and i was looking for something i didnt know, but then, there is that feeling that you were mine once. I turned another page and there was the story of me and you. A simple header, dressed in gold. It stemmed from the few brief moments we had in chicago, the drawings you made me, and onward to the deadly kiss that made you see. Opened your eyes, made you long for me like you never had before. And it went on.

on into these pictures of you and i, of long bleach blonde hair and a sundress with bug eye glasses, hand grasping at yours, and your face, that edward norton look alike that i find hard to resist, only you still are prettier. And then im wearing your t-shirt again, but no matter the photograph a smile is on my face, strange to behold, and we are always in some sunny place, whether it be a california beach or a shining forest.

i set the book down, and it was like i knew exactly where to find you.

in this dream place i left my apartment, and walked down low lit streets at night. There was a small cluttered area of shops and galleries, a bohemian hangout where you never knew if it was safe to be there. But i had a purpose, i knew where i was going. And then i found you, in a small underground radio studio. Sitting all by yourself.

you had the book in your hands.

and it was a secretive love where we kept our words guarded. I came to find you every night, as the difficulty improved because the landscape changed everytime. I held your hand and it was almost as good as those pictures said it would be, only we were both a little more stained and it wasnt sunny anymore. It was always night. But it was love.

and this is the part where i wake up and wonder what this all means. Why does my subconscious feel the need to resurrect things that are so painful iapos;d rather leave them behind? and then why is it fair to kyle that i still have these leylines running from my heart and roped around the leg of those people i left and wished i never did.

i did love him. I dont know why and i dont know why i didnt realize it. We were the same and then he vanished from me, but i suppose it was fair. I tried to push him away, make him resent me, as i was awash with the dingy glow of the good then bad relationship with aaron. Even when i was 1200 miles away, still he longed for me and would have no other. People have a breaking point though, and he reached his. And now i regret. I would hop on a plane tomorrow if he would so ask me of it. But he wont, and its my fault.

im sick of all this regret. I should just be satisfied, but you all know me better than that.

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